You Don’t Have to Go Home for the Holidays—Signed, a Therapist
Let’s get straight to it: the holidays can be a lot. And for many of us, they’re not just about dodging Aunt Susan’s “Why are you still single?” or pretending to like Grandma’s fruitcake. They’re about sitting in a room with people whose votes have essentially said, “Your rights don’t matter.” It’s about knowing that your very existence—or the existence of people you love—is up for debate in their eyes.
If you’re grappling with whether to see your family this holiday season, I want to tell you something that might feel radical: You don’t have to go.
I know skipping family gatherings can feel heavy—like you’re breaking some sacred tradition or shirking an unspoken obligation. But let me be crystal clear: you don’t owe anyone your presence, especially if being there means compromising your safety, dignity, or peace of mind.
You don’t have to take political differences lightly. They are about values, humanity, and whether or not your loved ones believe you—or the communities you care about—deserve basic rights. So if you’re feeling betrayed, angry, or like you can’t keep pretending it’s all fine over mashed potatoes, those feelings are valid. You’re not being “too sensitive” or “overreacting.” You’re responding to something real and painful.
As a feminist therapist (and someone who is also incredibly over the patriarchy’s nonsense, thank you very much), I want you to know that your rage is valid. Your sadness is valid. Your choice to protect your peace is valid.
Now, does this mean ditching the family gathering is easy? No. You might feel grief over missing what could have been—or guilt for stepping away from what’s expected of you. That’s okay, too. Grieving the loss of the family dynamic you hoped for is part of the process. But here’s the thing: choosing not to attend isn’t a failure. It’s an act of self-respect.
If you’re feeling unsure about what to do, here’s my therapist-approved checklist for deciding:
Check in with yourself. How do you feel when you picture going to this gathering? Drained? Energized? On edge?
Ask what you need to feel safe. Are those needs realistic in this space?
Give yourself permission to prioritize your peace. (Because, spoiler alert: no one else will do it for you.)
If you decide not to go, you’re not alone in that choice.
Let’s reimagine what the holidays could look like for you. If spending time with your family isn’t the right choice this year, there are so many ways to honor the season without being stuck in a room full of awkward silences and passive-aggressive comments.
Gather with your chosen family. Friends, partners, coworkers who get it, neighbors who are also skipping family dinners—create your own celebration with people who truly see and value you. A potluck, a cozy movie marathon, or even a virtual hangout can be just as meaningful (and often way more fun).
Do something restorative for yourself. Imagine: a quiet day filled with your favorite books, a luxurious bubble bath, or binging that show you’ve been meaning to watch. Rest isn’t just okay—it’s revolutionary in a world that demands constant productivity.
Channel your energy into something bigger. Volunteering with a local mutual aid group, shelter, or food bank can be a powerful way to reconnect with your values and feel a sense of community. Plus, it’s a reminder that you’re not alone in this.
Mark the season in a way that feels meaningful. Light candles, write down intentions for the coming year, or reflect on what you’re grateful for and what you want to release. Even small rituals can help create a sense of grounding and hope.
The point is, you have options. You can create traditions that actually feel nourishing, not like a chore or an obligation. And if that feels overwhelming, just remember: there’s no “right” way to do the holidays.
And if you’re reading this and feeling a little less alone, a little more validated, and maybe even wondering if working with a therapist who gets it might help—hello, I’m here. My practice is all about helping people like you feel seen, supported, and ready to live a life that feels true to them.
So this holiday season, let this be your permission slip to do what’s best for you. Stay home, show up, set boundaries, send a polite-but-firm “I won’t be coming this year” text—whatever aligns with your values and protects your peace.
You deserve a holiday that feels nourishing, not depleting. And you deserve to exist in spaces that honor your full humanity, always.
Warmly (and with a side of righteous rage),
Amie
